How do you know what's right?

How do you know what decision to make? When there is a tidal wave of choices and armies of advisers persuading and pushing you in one direction or another and you don't trust your instincts anymore? When your inner voice sings enthusiastically time and again at options that are so different and you have a constant tug of war between the two sides of you that are polar opposites. If you stripped away all the shoulds and the ought tos and self-imposed pressures and judgments... how do you know what is real?

It´s pretty simple really. If you don´t like the question... it´s probably because you don´t like your answer. I still grimace and squirm and cringe under the weight of the "what are you doing here?" - or worse - the cocktail party horror; "what do YOU do?", which quickly places you in to your slot in the food chain and essentially translates into the worth of your life and how valuable are you as a person. What is your contribution to society? What is the POINT of you?

Perhaps in a small way it relieves you to realize that the only person who agonizes over the answer is yourself, yet, I still detest the question..

I forget that the taxi driver who asked me did so out of a reflex, or that the cocktail party question loaded with judgment and scolding and scathing, or looks of bemusement which make you feel like a ridiculous person, is probably coming from someone who you will never meet again; who doesn´t care, or who asked in the first place out of a desperate bid to fill an awkward silence.

Enough. If I don´t like my answers then I need to change what I am doing until I do. But it´s not easy for those of us who haven´t been made exceptional at any one thing, or strongly desired the motherland; or motherhood; or a brilliant career in medicine or engineering, or the spirit and confidence of an entrepreneur. I could never focus for too long on any one thing. I have a short concentration span. This goes for jobs... places... plants... pets... and (this is hard to admit)... people.

I had the freedom to chose and was never pushed or prodded or forced in any one direction. A privilege of abundance of choice that conversely goes hand in hand with a constant fear of making the wrong one.

I used to scoff at the ignorance of my compatriots who stayed at home in their comfortable lives, and feel pity for them trapped in a mental prison of their own making. I always strived for more and had to see what was further than the backyard, then beyond the woods; the ocean and more. But am I just shifting from place to place doing a random series of unrelated things? Or can I connect all the experiences together? If I wanted to study medicine or become a writer or a masseuse or simply sell jewelry on a beach in Colombia, would that make my MBA any less valuable?

Do I stay or do I go... I know the only person I have to ask is myself. I just have to learn to trust that feeling again.